|
Hey, look! Someone's reading my thoughts!
|
|
|
| Hello LiveJournal -- We haven't talked in awhile... |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|11:28 pm] |
| [ | where I am... |
| | "Home" (for not much longer). | ] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | hearing... |
| | Waldteufel; Skater's Waltz; The Royal Treasury of Classical Music | ] |
To start off:
I do not regret deciding to take a year away from (serious) college. I will have time to concentrate on really diving into photography, making music (learning keyboard and guitar, hopefully), doing community theater (or better, if I can audition into larger shows), and attacking some of the other art projects I've had in mind for awhile. I'm taking a breather and am happy that I decided to do so. I know my limits and I know when I'm about to burn out (which is what would happen if I went straight into college no matter what I studied).
But...
I need to get my license,
I need to get a job,
I need to get a car,
and...
I need a place to live.
So here's the story:
My mom has been out of work for a couple of months --she's doing some work on the side right now, but it's not full-time or full-pay.
Our lease at our apartments runs out in July, and my mom has decided that she's not signing for another year. Her boyfriend (of five years) lives in San Francisco, and they want to move to somewhere in between here and there and rent a house. She keeps saying that there's more than us to consider, but there are three of us (my mom, sister, and myself) and one of Floyd (my mom's bf). Really, the only thing holding them back from renting here is the commute to the City (where they're both working right now).
My plan to take this time off before college did not entail moving.
And Eliza said that she's not going to try another long-distance relationship (out of state or out of town -- it doesn't make much of a difference when you can't see each other).
I will do anything to hold on to my Love. I really believe in us, and I'm not going to let what we have fall apart because of this shitty predicament. (Especially since I wasn't planning on leaving for another year in the first place...)
So...
I'm not leaving Pleasanton.
I'm not leaving Eliza.
A while ago, my sister signed up on the waiting list for the apartments over by BART (technically in Dublin, but it's right there) --they're low-income units (my sister said $700-$900, last time she checked).
She said that if she gets the chance to rent there, I can move in with her.
I would sign for that in a heartbeat.
But I can't rely on that.
I'm going to look for people who might want to pull together and rent with me.
Or find another low-income place nearby.
It wasn't supposed to work like this.
I'm scared.
I'm doubtful.
I'm disappointed.
And I'm not looking forward to dealing with this.
But I am passionate and I won't stop fighting for what I believe in and love with all my heart.
I hope she's just as willing to fight for this.
I'm not giving up.
Warrior with a cause,
~S.W.S.
(PS: Don't make me justify my decision to not go straight to college -- it's just something I need to do -- I am motivated for the future, but I can't attack it prematurely.)
Wish me luck. |
|
|
| Be Still My Heart -- This Could Be a Brand New Start |
[Feb. 11th, 2008|12:03 am] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | hearing... |
| | Juno and other folk music | ] |
I took it to heart and opened my eyes--considered my position and near future. I like what I see. I don't regret anything past and I decided to try to make the best of what I have. I am now realizing how much I have.
Over the last few weeks, I've done some serious personal re-evaluation, and I am pleased with what I have discovered.
I haven't seriously talked to many people about the contents of this post--I've been trying to sort it out before other peoples' ideas could influence the decisions I knew I had to make on my own.
First off, I am not going to college next year. Not one of the biggies, anyway. This was a very tough decision for me to make, but when it came down to it, I am simply not ready. It's not because of insufficient grades or financial insecurity or my giving up on my dreams--I just need a break. I'm going to take enough credits to be considered a "full-time student" (which is 12 credits, I've been told... ~4 classes?) so that I can still be covered by my health insurance. I'm going to attack the list of things I've wanted to do for years, but have never had time to do: get back into martial arts, go on long-weekend photo trips with my dad, have free time to explore and create various art mediums, build up my photography and voice and theater portfolio, etc.
And secondly, I have newly-found inspiration.
I don't know how to put this.
So I'll say it as plainly as it comes to me.
After copious amounts of considering all of my options, doubting my gut instincts, overlooking the obvious, being afraid of getting caught up in drama from various sources, and being encouraged by a few of my best friends...
I can't deny it anymore.
Nor do I want to deny it.
I very much like one of my good friends.
I like her a lot.
A LOT lot.
She never fails to make me smile.
Even when I thought I couldn't do so, there it would appear upon my face.
This beautiful young woman has stricken me with love-sickness -- I don't have much of an appetite lately, I haven't been able to fall asleep very quickly for all the thoughts buzzing through my mind, I have extra energy that seems to be feeding on some unseen force...I feel charged whenever I'm around her.
She has me creating again. I recently made my favorite necklace with her in mind, and Valentine's day is coming 'round...
We'll see.
I'm going to go with the flow. Follow the light.
I think it's about time I started smiling again. |
|
|
| Poetry in Retrospect |
[Feb. 11th, 2008|12:01 am] |
I wrote a poem about a month ago. I meant to post it awhile ago--just never got around to it...
~ONE AND THE SAME~
My heart hurts
And riddles my brain.
A stone of Love,
Bound to a chain,
Reflects my desire
And exemplifies my pain.
Who's to say they're not
One and the same?
I thought you might like/appreciate that. But I've moved past that phase of self-imposed hurt. I still have the necklace -- I always will. But I stopped wearing it lately. I've taken your advice--tried to branch out and consider everything around me. Thanks for that. |
|
|
| One and the Same |
[Jan. 13th, 2008|08:49 pm] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  depressed | ] |
I wrote some poems
And I don't know
What to do with them.
I'll think of something,
Don't you worry. |
|
|
| Came and Went, |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|12:36 am] |
And not a mention of it.
Who knows what will happen?
Seriously. Who knows?
I dropped the ball, and
It dropped me.
They're asking questions,
To which I have no answers.
I sputter and make sounds
Which mean nothing
In the end.
I have answers,
I swear.
They're just not asking
The right questions.
No, I'm not gay.
No, I may NOT be
Going to college.
Yes, I get jealous.
Don't you?
No, I don't want to
Go to bed.
No, I don't want to
Face my fears.
Yes, I will anyway.
Yes, I use "it" to
Refer to things only I
Know what I'm talking about.
Know what I'm talking about?
"You're a man, I'm a woman,
We're just too different."
"Please, just
Cut it out now."
My heart hurts and
My nose is infected.
I hate this.
I hate hopes right now.
Thirty-four and
One hundred days.
My lips hurt.
Blistex, you are
Failing me.
I took the challenge
And they said
I smell like Christmas.
The green light went off
And the red took its place.
"My life--and by extention
Everyone else's--is worthless."
Quoting Futurama by thrice,
People, don't worry.
He said lights out at
One o'clock.
Goodnight.
This is me,
Signing off.
~Steven
My guiding light.
Dreaming of you.
As I used to know you.
As I know you. |
|
|
| "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|06:39 pm] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  chipper, chap! | ] |
Sometimes, I rather dislike fortune cookies. I suppose it's good advice, but damn. A little pessimistic, don't'cha think? Though, it's more of a realist perspective. And I guess I kind of do that anyway, with my man-bag and all...whatev'
So! What was I going to say? Crap. (No, that's not it...) Um. Hi. How are you? I like your hair, did you do something new with it?
Oh, right. Millie auditions the past two days.
First time I've screwed up in the middle of vocal auditions. I had to stop and start in the middle of the song. Damn it. I was not prepared--Mr. Aubel advised me to eliminate one of the verses in my song during class THE DAY OF the audition. So I did. And I messed up. And the piano player didn't help. For once I missed the regular audition accompanist.
Dance auditions were really tough. I will kill someone if Brent doesn't make the cut this year. He really does deserve it.
Callbacks are posted tomorrow. Gah!
I got a webcam on Black Friday!
Logitech Quickcam Orbit! Regularly $130--got mine for $20! Huzzah!
Twenty-one days left. Three weeks exactly. Unless you change your flight date. Which isn't NECESSARY but would totally ROCK! One way or the other, I'll see you soon.
Hoping for the best,
~Seppo |
|
|
| I'm going back after almost two years. |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|01:13 am] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  fuck-y | ] |
I'm not going to turn to meds so easily this time, though. That's not the fucking answer to my problems.
I know that it's not initially the best approach to any given situation, but, sometimes, at some point, you just have to give up --submit to the fact that you don't have it in you to see it through to the end.
I've had so much shit on my mind lately that I can't find true concentration any more. I need that someone to talk to that will listen. Sure I'll be paying them to listen, but they'll listen. I don't have to feel guilty "dumping" all of my problems on them. That's their job. It worked before and it had better work again, or else I won't know where to turn.
I hate what I put myself through.
What the hell happens if I don't make it into any of the schools that I apply to? I now have my ACT and SAT scores. All I can say is that I'm glad that I signed up to take both of them twice. I am not happy with the scores. My only real hope is that auditions truly outweigh academic record and test scores. These won't cut it.
"All the hard work you are doing will pay off in the end."
How do I know that's true? I don't. I just fucking hope that it is.
~S |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|05:06 pm] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  working | ] |
When Gore Vidal (writer) was asked whether his first time was with a man or a woman he replied “I was too polite to ask.”
Just thought I'd pop in that headliner. Now for some of what I did over break...
I have narrowed by search to ten schools--those which fit my desired major of a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Musical Theater.
--Emerson College (MA)
--Boston Conservatory (MA)
--Ithaca College (NY)
--Syracuse University (NY)
--State University of New York Fredonia (NY)
--The Hartt School (CT)
--Montclair State University (NJ)
--University of the Arts (PA)
--Carnegie Mellon College of Fine Arts (PA)
--University of Michigan School of Music, Theatre, and Dance (MG)
Now for applications and auditions (most of which are in February. I may take an East-Coast tour to attend them all live. I'd hate to have to send in a tape of my audition. That would not be preferable.)
At this point, if I have to eliminate any of them from the application list, I'd have to choose the two state universities. But I haven't done enough research to really support that claim.
Peace out for now--I have to go work on my "Value of Life" essay. Pretty light subject--no problem.
Yours Always,
~SWS |
|
|
| 87 Past with 38 More. |
[Nov. 13th, 2007|05:10 pm] |
| [ | feeling... |
| |  irritated | ] |
Is it Criticize the Fuck Out of Steven Day and nobody told me? Every way I turn I get slammed by another put-down.
I don't need this shit - especially from my friends.
I know they're just kidding half the time, but damn - GIVE IT A REST! And give me a break.
I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be.
This just makes me feel like I have nobody safe to turn to or lean on.
And so I stand, unsupported.
~S |
|
|
| I have neglected LiveJournal for quite some time... |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|04:42 pm] |
| [ | feeling... |
| | working | ] |
| [ | hearing... |
| | Air - Jig - Hornpipe from Abdelazer; Purcell | ] |
I've felt like I haven't had anything significant to say. And I still don't. Just updating for the hell of it. And for something to do to put off homework that much longer.
I think I was sick all week.
That is, my body was showing signs of sickness (my tonsils were enlarged and my nose was stuffed most of the time), but I didn't feel sick and I didn't miss school due to said "sickness"... does that still count as being sick?
I made my first online transaction with my own personal debit card! Woot! Early Christmas shopping. It's so God-damned easy to spend money that way, though. Dangerous. I'll be careful ::crosses fingers:: I promise!
Opening weekend for Metamorphosis went well--better than I would have thought it could about a week ago. The coolest part about doing a show written and (originally) directed by Mary Zimmerman is that the drAVma club went to see Argonautika (which she also wrote and directed) at Berkeley Rep on Friday. It was so inspirational to see one of her productions on stage; her writing makes a bit more sense now--how she blends the myths with colloquial language and styling, comedy and drama, realistic and surreal perspectives blended together. Beauty in the limelight.
I play Zeus this weekend in addition to my regular roles (Erisichthon, Apollo, and Eros). I'm going to look fat on stage as Apollo--I have to triple-layer for the scenes with Apollo, Eros, and then Zeus, quick-changes in between each. That should be fun.
I just got back from freerunning with the usual gang + Mr. Irwin. It was fun, but developed into a rather low-energy day. For the first time in our multiple outings, we recorded a couple of runs, which inevitably ended badly and humorously. Watch out for us on YouTube; super-stardom, here we come!
I'm cold and need to put some clothes (...I mean *more* clothes) on. And do homework. I forgot about that. (No I didn't. Who am I kidding?)
Four day week, then Thanksgiving break. This week is going to be soooo busy.
Pining and Aching,
~Steven |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
mrtress's journal
contemplative